सोमेथिंग अल्वाय्स हौन्डिंग Me

Commercial: Daddy is so concerned about his little girl driving alone for the first time. He literally sees her as a little girl still, even though she is really a teenager. He will always feel that way about her no matter how old she gets. There is nothing in the whole world she could ever do to make him stop loving her. Such security and love is instilled in her from the very beginning of life. She has never known anything else and just cannot identify with anyone who has not had a father like hers.
Me: My dad was enthralled with me from the very beginning. He may have even made my mother jealous, in the very least he made her uneasy. He had an unnatural interest in me and in my care. Repeated over and over again like a mantra, how cute and sweet I was. How he would watch me sleep and swoon over my long eyelashes. There was nothing I could do to ever make him see me as ugly. I have found out later in life that one of his things he did with his daughters was to take long baths together behind locked doors. What went on, only my subconscious and he knows. I grew and my mother took me away because of divorce, and then I came back by default, because she had died. By then I was a gawky 9 year old. My dad had created another cute wonderful little baby girl and spent all his time with her, just as he had with me. I was shoved in a corner and barely was noticed. No more compliments or expressions of love of any kind. His mother had to make him give me a hug and kiss, because he highly resisted. I could tell he thought I had turned into quite the ugly child and besides, I was no baby anymore. I knew what aging felt like at the tender age of nine years old.
Not only did he not give me love, he didnt give me material things either. No Christmas presents. No presents of any kind. No food, unless catsup soup counts as food. I would have no clothes if it hadnt have been for other people. Actually I wouldnt have had anything, if it werent for other people. My grandma picked up the slack. She felt she had too. That caused all sorts of jealousy between family factions. No one seemed to like me except grandma. There were others that briefly came in and out of my life who tried to do good by me too, but all in all it was always grandma left holding the bag. She is where I got all my toys, my food, my clothes, and my love.
I was replaced because of how I looked. This led me into so such disturbing behavior as I got older. I began looking for a daddy as soon as I was old enough to have a boyfriend. I never stopped looking for a daddy. I thought nothing of myself or thought I was worth anything or was anybody good. I started drinking, which only made my behavior worse, because any little bit of restraint I had had, went right out the window with a drink. No self esteem, no self respect, no self love described me. I sought only appearances, and love could never be found no matter where I looked. Everyone saw me as vain and stuck up and either was jealous of me or used me. I had no friends. I had to learn the things I was supposed to learn when I was a baby. I sought spirituality for this and eventually I learned alot.
Now I will jump to something different all together. Seemingly it has nothing to do with what I was just writing about, but to me, it has everything to do with it. I have oral cancer. Ive been fighting it for 10 years now. I think I have another tumor starting. If that is true, I will have to go through the agonizing surgery again. I dont know how much tongue I will have left or whether Ill be able to talk. I see this as always something hounding me. It started from the moment I was born and happiness just flees from my fingers. Now as I am older and should finally enjoy my life after working so fucking hard on myself, just to get to a place where I can love and be loved, I get cancer that hounds me, just wont go away. I just want to cry buckets of tears right now, Im so down. It seems I never get a break. Its easy enough to forget my childhood when things are great, but when things seem never to be great, my childhood haunts me like a demon.