वहत दो यू दो व्हेन यौरे सुइसिदल!

What do you do when youre suicidal? The whole point of it is that you dont want help or that you think help doesnt exist. I have found myself back here time and time again. There is no cure. There are only slipshod panaceas.
"Try this, maybe this will work, or that, maybe that will work. It did last time. Why wont it work again? I have to search now again for something that will work. It seems hopeless and futile." This is my self-talk. "But if I stop searching, I will die. I want to just lie down and die. Spend the day unconcious. But the nights!!!!! The nights will then exist of cant-be-still anxiety. Of heart-pounding feverish sweating and wanting to run into the night, but I cant run away. It is in me."
The only way to kill IT, is to kill me. But I know I wont die. I just wont have a body and will IT still be there, haunting me into eternity? I dont seem to have any option at all.
Nothing goes right for me. The world doesnt seem to want what I have to offer. I had dreams and thats all they were. I hurt all over and have trouble moving, thinking, and feeling. I feel like exploding but I cant even cry. Not anymore. The tears are all gone now. I cried too many for my time and they are just gone.