नोट त्र्यिंग Anymore

Im not trying anymore. 57 years of trying and not giving up has left me exactly in the same place. Im a no one thats no where. The anger and bitterness just wont subside. I can push it down pretend its gone, not look at it at all for a time, but its still there like the cesspool that lingers beneath our feet. This is mental meanderings. It is what I allow myself to express so that I dont explode and should on everybody else. The only difference now is that I have a virtual audience to my dirty secret. As I have said before, If you dont like this, dont read it. Its mostly for myself anyway. If someone can glean something positive out of this, then good for you. Im happy for you. I will remain here till the cows come home, the world ends, or a magical faery comes and waves me on. Im in this garbage bag with a wayward brain for some unknown reason to me. I dont even know if knowing would help anything.
A funk is where one gets stuck and cant seem to lift even their little pinky to aid their escape from pergatory. Even if you could move your pinky, you so dont want to because you just dont care. If death came to take you away, that would be fine and there is no particular feeling good or bad about it. Its existence. The most I can say about it is that I think, and that I think I feel, but not even sure about that one.
Why me? Why not me? For all the things that exist in space, there must be someone that must take the hit. Of all the infinite possibilities of expression, there must be something somewhere that must express this way. Its me. Lucky me. Dont go yelling at me and tell me Im lazy, because you will see venom come spewing out of my mouth the likes of which has never been observed by any living creature. If you say to someone, you are lazy, and they feel sorry for themselves, maybe they are lazy. If you say that to someone who is not lazy and they become enraged, then obviously they are not lacking in energy! They are lacking something, that spark of life that keeps us all moving forward. There spark isnt there.