Its dark where I am now. I cant expect anyone to understand this or to understand me. Im free associating my thoughts for this blog today so I can get it out. This is not a masterpiece work by any means. I will watch the english because I like to be perfect and I want people to see me as intelligent. It bothers the heck out of me to sound stupid. Im 57 years old. Therein lies the problem. It is a problem for me. Im not young and beautiful anymore. I cant get anything based on how I look anymore. I feel like giving up and letting go. Theres plenty wrong with me physically, that leaving could easily happen soon. I really just have to lie down, stay there, and let my desire to not be anymore overtake me. This is the nitty gritty folks. This is how it is inside my life. This is what I struggle with nearly every day. It was easier when I was pretty and when there were lots of other pretties to be had to distract me from my pain and emptiness. Any pretties I try to obtain now are very few and not very pretty at all. In fact they are pathetic. Because in this old fat body lives a person who still feels 16. What I see and what I am does not fit with what I feel or is the truth at all. I felt very ugly till I was 18 and then I got contact lenses. Males started falling all over me. Suddenly I had a power I was uncomfortable with and didnt know how to handle. I still felt ugly inside however, even though I could at times see me through anothers eyes and see maybe some of what they saw. I totally relied on that and couldnt do anything else to give myself love. I let whoever wanted to take from me, take whatever and however much they wanted from me. I thought I was getting something in return, love. Then I wondered why no one ever stuck around or wanted to make me a forever person in their life. I really didnt figure that out till it was all gone and unretrievable. Not until I couldnt play those tiresome games anymore, or had a bounty of good health and energy to give anymore, or until my health wouldnt allow me to drink and have one night stands anymore, or till I wouldnt tolerate men who abused and cheated on me anymore. When this was finally all over, I had nothing more left. Not to give or a place to receive it.
Now I want a new life, a new start, freshness, health, beauty, a lucrative art career but Im an old 57 year old fat woman in ill health, depressed beyond my ability to cope and just cant find the right meds to stabilize my bio chemistry. My body wants to kill me one minute then live in a fantasy world the next. I could have done something with my life if I had a body that didnt betray me, a body I could rely on, a body that I drove rather than it driving me.
It seems everyone is either looking for an artist thats well known or looking to discover "a young emerging artist"! If I see or hear that one more time I might just off myself right here and now. Do older women have no value? What makes their work worthless or unremarkable? Besides, all Im doing is switching from one unattainable dream to another. I cant be that super model or famous actress anymore so now I want to be another O Keefe. I think it all comes down to sex, sex appeal, the if or maybes of possibly getting in my beautiful pants to take something from me. But, oh, thats right, Im not that anymore. There is no sex to be gotten from me, so why bother? I really think that is a womans worth in this world and if she doesnt grow a pair of balls or secure her place before she becomes obsolete, she doesnt have a snowballs chance in hell to survive happily the rest of her bitter sorry life.
