The trouble with being bi poler is in one instant everything can change. A word, a look, an opinion by someone else can change your immediate reality. I was feeling great today, a day that is traditionally the hardest day of the whole year for me. I thought I would be handling it well this year for the first time. And then a button is pushed innocently, because others are completely unaware of what my buttons are, and Im off on the downhill slide to Sadsville.
I am so disconnected with my family. Its a never ending misunderstanding, hurt, anger, and withdrawel. No matter how much I try to connect on any meaningful level, I get my feelings hurt. Maybe I am too sensitive. No one can truly feel what another feels inside, or what that person has been through in their life. But where does love come in? Unconditional love. And forgiveness? Mothers day is all about unconditional love. Who on earth is supposed to love us like our mothers? It is expected of mothers to love unconditionally. It is the highest expression of love. But are we willing to love everyone this way? No. Alot of us didnt get these perfect mothers that is so rampantly portrayed by the media incessantly. I didnt have one, not only that, but she died when I was 9. I wasnt that to my son because I was a troubled motherless teenager with an abusive husband and a newborn. I ran away to maintain my sanity and my life. And for that I am brandished with a scarlet X by everyone for the rest of my life. No one understands, no one wants to talk about it, everyone is bitter, and I dont even exist in some circles. I feel like vermin who roams the earth. Maybe that makes them feel better that Im punished for the rest of my life. It is not cared about, that I struggled everyday for normalcy. It doesnt matter that I cried and prayed that maybe someday I would be given a reprieve for my sins.
Its funny how my mothers parents, my grandparents, said they wanted nothing more to do with me when I fled an abusive marriage. I literally left running down a country road shoeless in Birnamwood Wisconsin. I ran through cow pastures to escape my husband who was determined to drag me back. I went to my grandmas who really didnt want me there. I ended up once again the ward of the state and eventually went back into the mental hospital. There was no where else for me to go. And yes, I was being a terrible mother. I ran away to be an actress according to my mother in law. She made sure everyone knew the lie and not the truth. That is the story everyone has recited concerning me. I am just not worth much to them.
My heart is just breaking with no healing in sight. Im just so sad now, I probably should sign off before I say more. More that I shouldnt really say.
