Watching "The New Adventures Of Old Christine", (love that show) and I was reminded of something I did just cause I could. I was about 23. I was so easy it was pitiful. I was feeling angst at the time. Resentful and maybe even a little mean. OK, alot mean.
A good looking man, my teacher, was one of those cruisers who looked at anything female like she was lunch. I knew he was engaged. But, he was attractive and into me so I had a date with him. I just went through probably the most painful breakup of my life. It really deep sixed my ego. I didnt know who I was anymore or what I believed in. I wont go into details here but it was about as bad as it gets in the heartbreak arena. This man said awful things to me. As he pushed me out of his doorway after retrieving the rest of my stuff, he said all I ever was good for was sex, and slammed the door. He was the first man I had ever gave my heart and soul to. Waking up in the morning together he would say I was still fuckable, sans makeup and a shower.
OK, so Ive explained my mood at the time, now back to that idiot teacher. I took to heart what (we'll call him C.) C said and I was going to give this man (dont even remember his name, we.ll call him T for teacher) a night he would never forget. My inspiration was a bruised ego and a gallon of wine. As far as I was concerned, I was an actress doing a porn movie, and thats what he got, a porn movie. I did in no shape or size enjoy any of it. That mans eyes were rolling back into his head. By the time I got through with him, T would never want regular anything ever again. He kept calling and asking me "in", and I always had a fantastic excuse on the ready for his horny self.
Years had gone by and T once again gave it another try and asked me out. He told me that sex was never the same with anybody else since me and he just couldnt get over it. Silently pleased with myself, I rebuffed him one last time. I never told him about the farse and I wasnt sorry. It was my one "Big Get Even", and it felt great!
I guess the point I want to make is, we are all actors on a stage. Sex these days is played up and acted out in the media to be something much more spectacular than it is. If it seems too good to be true, than it most assuredly is. And if you spend the rest of your life looking for that "whatever", you will never find it. Porn movies and airbrushed 18 year olds have become the gold standard in this society. I have news for you, that isnt real either, not even close. I have had the opportunity to see a few famous beautiful women walk on a movie set just out of bed with no makeup, and I did not even recognize them. It is all fantasy and we choose to live in a fantasy land, some of us more than others. All I can say is one day you will wake up from this wet dream and find yourself past the half century mark wondering why you could never find "it". And then it may finally dawn on you that you were chasing an illusion.
