Sins of the father are revisited upon his progeny. I cant speak for boys, but an unloving non-present father can be devastating to girls. He sets the tone for what they expect of and look for in men for the rest of her life. He is the one who teaches her self respect and self worth. If he shows her no love, she will only feel comfortable with cold withdrawn men. If he abuses her in a verbal or physical way, she will only feel comfortable with mean and brutal men. If he does not support her financially, she will only feel comfortable with cheap bums. But if he loves her and cherishes her and keeps his hands off of her, she will look for males who treat her the same way, and will not understand or tolerate anything less. Because shes never felt undeserving of respect, for her as a female.
This said, I did not have that good dad. He would never hold a job. It forced my mother to support us, which in turn never allowed me to bond with her as she was never home. When he took care of me, I was tossed in a car all day and fed half a Baby Ruth candy bar while he did his crazy obsessive compulsive whatevers all day. I was bored and neglected out of my mind. When I got a little older, he had me driving cars and tractors which scared me to death and I cried all the while. It showed me he had no interest in my safety or my feelings. My mother would give me the last can of beans and go hungry herself because there was never any food or heat in the house.
Despite all this I loved my dad loyally, even over my mother. At least he never beat me like she did. I learned to put up with all his other shit, because at least he didnt beat me. To me that equated with him loving me more than she did, skewed thinking of a child.
My mom finally left him and I was devastated. This was my dad whom I adored. I hardly saw him anymore because he never paid child support. I didnt know this was why my mom wouldnt let me see him. Again my mom was the bad guy because in my mind it was all her fault. My mom became sick shortly after the divorce. She was in pain and in and out of hospitals. She finally died after a long (2 years) and painful illness. My mom wasnt even buried before he filed for custody. I took this to mean he loved me very much, he just couldnt wait to have me back. I would later find out he did it for my social security check. His same behavior continued and all my moms possessions he stole, and squirreled them away in the attic basement or barn. I never saw any of it again. The one thing I did see again when I was 14 was my penny jar that I had saved for 3 years while I was with my mother. He had it locked in a trunk in the basement and I saw it by accident. I told him I wanted it back and he muttered some nonsensical bullshit. That stupid penny jar was a defining moment in our relationship. As was an incident when I was on a visit with him when I was living with my mom. It seems so trivial and yet it hurts me to this day. I didnt have much, but I had a Barbie Doll. We were in a store and I saw a Barbie outfit I wanted so badly. I asked him if he would buy it for me. I begged, I cried, and I never forgot that. I was 6 and to me that Barbie outfit became a representation of his love for me. I think it was at that moment I started equating stuff and buying things with the measure of how much a man cherished and loved me. HE didnt. To this day I am hurt if a gift is not forthcoming for a birthday, Christmas, or anniversary. Those stupid commercials that flood TV of a man romantically giving a gift to his love, never ceases to inflame me with anger and hurts like when I was 6.
I was told this by someone else that on my first Christmas with my dad and his new wife after my mom died, that my social security check was used to buy me presents, (mind you, my birthday is also in December, the 14th) and he made her return all of them. Thats why I know he was only in it for my monthly check.
When I was 18 and had nothing he would not even loan me his junkiest car to drive. I had a bike (that I bought) and to him, that was good enough. Never mind I had to bike to and from my waitressing job all the way on the other side of town at 3:00 in the morning. That includes in snow.
There is more and its even more unbelievable than all this. It concerns my Grandma and his criminal treatment of her, but thats for another time. I think I made my point. Dads are important and even more important that they be present. An orgasm should not be the reason a child is born and never thought of again.
